Am I Still Significant?

When I started writing this blog, I was in the middle of a severe Mental Illness Crisis. My goal was to share what it is like to live with an Invisible Illness. I desperately wanted others to understand what I was going through, even when I couldn’t articulate it verbally. I wanted to encourage others who were struggling too, because I found not a lot of people were able to speak out from the depths of despair. I found writing gave me purpose. I wanted to help others, encourage them to keep fighting alongside me. However, I go back to work on Monday. My Mental Illness Crisis is essentially dwindling down. I’ve made it to the other side, the side where I’ve healed some and am able to face the world again. While I’m happy to be able to contribute something meaningful to the world again, I’m also grieving the “loss” of my illness.

I know how weird that sounds. But it is 100% true. Part of me is grieving. I’m grieving the loss of support that I had access to while I was on leave. I’m grieving the loss of a voice that seemed purposeful. I’m grieving the loss of my significance. I feel like I no longer have a story to tell, that my chapter has ended and I no longer am significant and its been weighing me down lately. It was almost easier being “sick”.

Now, before anyone freaks out, deep down, I know I’m still significant. I’m here for a reason and I lived through what I did to tell a story that someone needed to or will need to hear. But I just can’t shake this feeling that because I’m “better”, I no longer matter. That people only cared about the sick girl and now that I’m better, no one cares. Maybe it has to do with the fact I’ve had a lot of support torn from me because I’m about to go back to work. Extended Disability had its perks and I received a lot of support from a Rehabilitation Worker, my psychologist and doctor. But part of my transition back to work is an ending of some of that support. To be honest, I’m sad about that. I miss the support. I miss being able to go see someone and just be able to talk about how life is going and have their support. To have their encouragement that I’m going to make it, because if I’m being honest, I’m not entirely sure that I’m going to make it. Going back to work scares me so badly.

When I was struggling so bad with my Mental Illnesses, I felt that I had a voice and a story to share. I had a unique perspective to offer others. But now that I’m doing okay, that voice is gone. I mean, I’m still learning to find my voice, but it’s different. I’m trying to learn how to set boundaries at work, how to stand up for myself and not let people walk all over me like a doormat. But I feel as though my significance has dissipated.

Does my story still matter? Does my life still matter? Was I just here to show others that it is possible to make it to the other side? What happens now that I’m here though? How do I make it through what “normal” life is supposed to be like?

I feel like I’ve been pushed off the cliff and instead of flying, I’m spiraling downward exceedingly fast towards the ground. I’ve been praised for how fast I’ve recovered, been told that I’m a success story. But what if I don’t feel that? What if I feel so small and insignificant now that I wonder if this is even worth it? Is going back to work worth it? Will I make it? Will I make a difference like I’m so desperately longing to? Or will I slide back to where I was? If I slide back, will I survive it this time? Or am I just meant to be insignificant?

Mental Illness is messy. It’s hard and even though I’ve made it through hell, I’m still fighting a battle inside my mind. A battle that is now trying to convince me that I’m not significant and this isn’t worth the fight. I so desperately want to help others, to raise awareness about Mental Illness, but how do I do that when my voice is now insignificant? I have so many questions, feel so confused and lost. But moreover, I’m terrified about what my return to work means. I know I’m slowly going to lose more and more of my support team. I’ve been struggling to express myself in words again. I’m battling negative thoughts like nothing else. What do you do when you feel insignificant? How do you keep fighting?

Honestly, I’m not too sure right now. All I know is I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. If you’re feeling insignificant, know you’re not alone. I know it’s a hard place to be in. I know what it is like to feel like you’re completely buried underground and can’t find the light. But I’ve been clinging to these words by Christine Caine, “Sometimes when you’re in a dark place you think you’ve been buried, but actually you’ve been planted.” So, I’m desperately trying to believe that I am still significant and I’ve just been planted and am slowly blooming.

Hang in there friends and please know that your life is significant to me.

Love,

Becca