An Army of Rescuers

I’ve been holding onto this post now for a while. I originally wrote it over a month ago, but felt in my heart it wasn’t the right time to post it. But today, I feel like it is right. I had a meeting with my therapist, my rehabilitation worker and my benefit company rep this afternoon and left feeling eternally grateful. Y’all, I have a GREAT team of people working to helping me heal and my benefit company has gone above and beyond to make sure I have what I need to heal. They’ve taken on the bill for my Trauma Therapy, my Trauma Sensitive Yoga and ensured that I have more than enough money for physio therapy, and that’s just to name a few. I’ve been blessed. I called my mom on the way home and was almost in tears with how grateful I am. There’s been so many times I’ve questioned why I was led here only to experience more pain. But after today, I can see that it was for a reason – I needed my army. I needed this team of people to help me. Because my therapist was right – school destroyed me as a kid but led me to be a teacher and now is the thing that is saving me.

I’ve mentioned before how much music means to me. The last month, one song that I often have on repeat is called, “Rescue” by Lauren Daigle off her album titled, “Look Up Child”. I’m attaching it below for you to listen to before you read the rest of my post.

When I first downloaded this song to my phone, it was before I left my mom’s house for my four hour drive back to Taber. I listened to this song for the ENTIRE DRIVE. As I listened, tears streamed down my face. For hours, I listened and I cried. But something special happened along the way. Every time that I listened to the song, I would remember a small way that when it all felt too much, He gave me a rescue. I began to realize all the different ways that He has sent an army for me and that He has done that for me now. I began to see it all in a drama unfolding in my minds eye, a story being told as the song played – the story of rescue time and time again. I was gifted with a moment where I saw just how many people I have on my side. How in my deepest, darkest moments, He appeared in even the smallest way. I made a list of them in my head and tried to decide how to tell my story throughout the song, and realized I had too many “moments of rescue” compared to verses of the song. Yes, this journey is long and it is incredibly hard. But I’m not alone. I have an army and I’ve been tossed countless life rings through the waves. I was tossed another one today as a reminder that I’m not alone and I’ve made progress on this journey. I’ve learned so much, fought so hard and it is paying off.

Below is my story from the last few years told as I envisioned it while I was driving as that drama in my head I mentioned. This is a different post, but I hope you’ll still read it and find some sort of encouragement within it. *The Italicized words are the lyrics to Rescue, by Lauren Daigle off “Look Up Child”.*

My eyes open to darkness, literal darkness, but it’s not just in the room, it’s deep within my soul. I groan, knowing that today marks the seventh day I haven’t been able to get out of bed for longer than a trip to the washroom. The guilt of missing work, of being useless overwhelms me day after day. I know all the things I need to do, but I just can’t gather the strength. My mind replays the memories. The insults. The manipulation. No matter how hard I try to hide, the memories keep finding me. I pull the blankets over my head, trying once again to hide away from the world. Suddenly I’m a child again, hiding away in the darkness of old tractor tires… A small-town rendition of a playground. Hiding away from the taunting, the laughter, the abuse; the same things I’m hiding from now. The silence of my bedroom suddenly is broken by tiny sobs as a few tears stream down my face, just as they did when I was a child, lying in my bed, crying myself to sleep. I feel paralyzed. Invisible. No one sees my pain, or if they do see it, they pretend not to. I’ve been told time after time that I’m worthless, a waste of space; that I would be better off dead. With all of this pain, I begin to consider if maybe they’re right. Will things ever get better? Will I ever see light? Does anyone see me? Believe me? Or am I really just invisible?

You are not hidden
There’s never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen

I’m overwhelmed by the pain, drowning in the sorrow. Unsure of how to make it until the next hour. The nightmares, the triggers, the panic attacks rule my life. The depression has sucked the life out of me and I truly wish it would all just end…

I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS

Just when I thought the world could only get darker, a lifeline arrives. My lifeline sees my pain and knows I needs help. She offers grace and love and coaxes me out of bed to go to the doctor. Now I have two lifelines – my mother and a doctor. Both who believe in me and that I’m worthy of life.

I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you

I’m not the only one fighting for my life now. Things begin to look somewhat brighter. I begin to feel more like myself and try to move on from all the hurt and pain. But it all comes crashing down, just as it always does. Each day, I feel like I’m being buried further and further underground. The pain is back. It’s suffocating me. The abuse I was trying to heal from has started again. I begin to wonder why… Why it’s always me. What is it that people see in me that they hate? What is it about me that makes them want to hurt me? I’m falling deeper and deeper underground. I’m so far underground and no one seems to notice. My lifelines are still there, but I feel so far gone I wonder if I’ll ever make it out…

There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You’re not defenseless
I’ll be your shelter
I’ll be your armor

Each hour I feel like someone throws another shovel full of dirt on top of me. I’m suffocating, slowly. Is there anyone out there? Does anyone see me?

I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS

Just as I’m about to give up, a man walks into my life. There’s something about him that’s different, something that draws me in. I see something in him that I’ve never felt inside. Peace. Calm. An anchor. He begins to break down my walls, I begin to trust him. He sees something in me that no one else has. He’s seen the worst of my worst, the lowest of the lows and never ran away. I have another lifeline – someone who sees me and believes I’m worthy of life – a wonderful boyfriend.

I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true, I will rescue you

I know that I’m loved. I know that I have a story to tell, that I’m here for a reason. I believe life is worth living and that He has me here for a reason. But the darkness consumes my mind so hard, it’s wearing me down. My illness rules my life. I don’t even remember who I used to be. All I can remember is pain, suffering and abuse. I remember the comments, the threats – they taunt me day and night. The flashbacks and nightmares prevent the darkness from ever leaving me. I’ve been fighting this waging war within my mind for so long that I’m tired. I’ve begged, cried out, prayed so many prayers I’ve lost count. I feel hopeless. Exhausted… Desperate for a way out.

I hear the whisper underneath your breath
I hear you whisper, you have nothing left

I’m so tired. I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. As my mind debates this, it takes me back to when I was a child, just pulled off the monkey bars, laying on the ground being kicked by my bullies. Suddenly I’m there again, curled up into the fetal position, trying to block the kicks. All I know is pain, then and now. It’s all so much. I’m so afraid and consumed by darkness. I believe light is out there, but I don’t believe I’ll ever find it. I’m too far gone. It’s too late.

I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true, I will rescue you

I’m just laying there, curled in a ball, wishing it would end. Just when I thought my story was over, my army arrived, this time with backup. Before I knew what was happening, I could feel them behind me. One by one, they lifted me up, limb by limb. They take my tired arms, grasp my weak legs and cradle my neck and back. Slowly, as a team, they gently lift me from the cold, hard ground until they’ve lifted me up and are carrying me. I’m so tired, I can’t fight this anymore. I have no more strength left in me. And that’s when I hear the whisper, “We’ve got you”.

I then realize that they’re carrying me. One by one they become visible and I see my army – my mom, my brother, my dad, my boyfriend and his family, my grandparents, my hometown pastor and his wife, my doctor, my psychologist, my best friend, my rehab worker, my trauma yoga therapist, other relatives, people I know from Bible School and people I don’t know at all… My army arrived and said, “We know this hurts. We know you’re tired and unsure of whether it’s worth it or if you even have the strength to keep going. But you’re not alone. We see you. You are worth it. We’re here to hold you up when you can’t stand on your own. We’re here to remind you that you’re loved and you’re valued. We’re here to remind you that He’s provided multiple little rescues along the way and He won’t stop now. We’ll walk you through to the other side – to your next rescue.” I collapse into their care, thankful for the rescue. Not only that, I’m thankful for all the little rescues I’ve received along the way that I may have missed. I’m thankful He sent my army.

Oh, I will rescue you.

I am thankful to say that I am overwhelmed with emotion right now, because a month ago, I necessarily wouldn’t be feeling this way. I have seen progress in my journey. I know that this fight has been worth it, no matter how hard it was. And I am SO, SO THANKFUL for my army. After I had my “revelation moment”, I asked one of my dearest friends to draw the photo above. I texted her a description of what I was looking for and she ever so accurately portrayed what I was seeing within my head. I have such an incredible army, y’all. They’ve held me for so long, without giving up on me. I’m thankful I came here, that I went through what I went through. I needed to be here because my army is here.

I’ve come back to this post many times over the last month, finding encouragement in all the ways He’s provided. I hope that this song or my story has encouraged you.

Keep fighting friends. It really is worth it. You are worth it.

Love,

Becca