Can I Still Do This?

As I sit here, staring at the meme above, I’m literally so exhausted that all I can do is think, “Can this meme just be my blog post?!” I’ve been staring at the blinking cursor and my blank page and am at a loss for words. How do I describe one of the toughest weeks of my life so that others can understand it? How do I describe the way my mental health has affected the way I go about my every day life? I don’t know. I don’t know how to that.

On Tuesday, I began my fifth year of teaching. My 19 Grade 6 students came in bubbling with energy and excitement and I did everything in my power to keep up with them. I have never left the first week of school feeling so exhausted and defeated before. Friday night I slept over 14 hours. Saturday night I slept over 10 hours and I still feel exhausted. Out of all the first weeks I’ve done, this one by far has been the hardest. I’ve realized that I’m not as far into my recovery as I thought. Everything felt foreign and forced. Nothing came as easy as it had before.

I know that my therapist said that things would be slow and awkward, but I wasn’t expecting it to be this hard. He told me to “just keep swimming” but I came home each day and wanted to cry. Planning my lessons for the following day takes twice as long as it used to. My teaching is awkward. I fumble through topics, mess up sentences, have to stop lots and try and recompose my thoughts. Nothing feels like it used to. And it’s breaking my heart.

I’m afraid of what is to come next. I’m afraid that I won’t make it through this year. Teaching Junior High is hard to start with, let alone when you’re battling a war in your mind. If I can’t teach, if I can’t regain what I lost, I don’t know what I will do. I feel like I’m not doing my job well enough. But maybe I’m just being too hard on myself. Perhaps I’m holding myself to an old standard, rather than the one I should be right now. I don’t know.

What do you do when trauma steals part of who you are? What do you do when you can’t get those parts of yourself back? What do you do when it changes who you are so deep inside your core, so badly that your confidence in what you used to be good at is no longer there?

I don’t know the answer to these questions. I feel just as lost as when I first went on disability and was wondering what my life would become. Now I’m back at work, am everyone’s success story and am still feeling just as lost as ever. What if I can’t hack it? All I know is it is Sunday afternoon and I am filled with dread and terror at the thought of having to stand up in front of my Grade 6’s and try and teach them something they’ll understand. What if I keep tripping over my words? What if my mind can’t handle the demands of teaching anymore? I so desperately wish I was back to my old self, but I’m not, and I’m terrified that I won’t ever get there.

If you’re a praying person, I would really appreciate your prayers as I try to just keep swimming. Y’all mean so much to me.

Love,

Becca

Image taken from Google. No Copyright Infringement Intended.