Celebrating Small Victories Within Darkness

There are some days when the darkness is just so strong, it inhibits everything that I do. Sleeping is difficult, getting out of bed is difficult, feeding myself is difficult, staying focused is difficult, let alone doing all the things a “normal” functioning adult should be doing. I often struggle with thoughts of worthlessness because I can’t contribute to society. My Vocational Rehab Worker jokingly said, “Yes you are. You pay taxes, so you’re contributing.” But that’s not what I mean. I feel like I have no purpose. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced that feeling in your life before, but let me tell you, it’s a hard space to be in. It’s hard to find the motivation to keep fighting, keep getting out of bed when you feel that this is all for nothing.

One thing that I’m learning in therapy is that I’m really critical of myself. I hold myself to the highest of standards and always feel like I’m falling short because I’ve set my standards at an unachievable rate. So, I’m currently in the process of redefining who I am – redefining my standards for my present circumstances. Because if I continue to judge myself based off my old expectations, I’ll just continue to feel like a MASSIVE failure. I mean, I’m not working, I’m isolated, I’m depressed, anxious, in insane amounts of physical pain from tension within my body… I can hardly walk and I have no attention span. Old me would be (and sometimes still is) extremely disappointed at how badly I’m doing at this whole adulting thing. I’m slowly (and I mean it when I say slowly) learning to redefine who I am, not only as a person, but what I expect of myself.

Currently, my expectations are pretty low. I have a weekly checklist and if I accomplish it, it is a win for me. The checklist consists of:

• Go to therapy
• Do therapy homework
• Meet with Rehab Worker
• Go to Physio
• Do Physio exercises
• Wash hair at least once

As pathetic as I sound for admitting this, I’ve separated going to therapy and doing the homework just so I can check off two things rather than one. I’m hoping this helps me feel more like a functioning person. I’ll let you know how that goes. Old me had a list of things to do every day about 5 times the length of that small list above – and I was able to accomplish it. But current me struggles to complete this small list sometimes in an entire week.

It is defeating looking back at who I was and who I am today. There are so many things that have been stolen from me by my illness. When I look back, I wonder if I’ll ever get back to the person I was. But I have to remember, I don’t want to go back to “Old” Rebecca. I want to find who I truly am – a happy and healthy individual able to handle things with discomfort and not panic. I want to have a balanced life between work, family and friends. I want to be a new person, so I need to stop holding myself to standards that nearly killed old Rebecca.

This is where I find it really beneficial to celebrate the good in my life, no matter how small. Goodness and joy can be hard to find when you feel darkness all the time. But I am slowly training myself to find ONE good thing in everyday and to celebrate it. The other day, that moment consisted of doing something that I haven’t done since December… thought about teaching. My moment of victory consisted of me laminating the numbers and velcroing them onto a new classroom calendar I bought. I know how lame that sounds. Whoop-de-do, Rebecca, no one cares about your calendar. While that might be true, it was a HUGE moment for me. I haven’t been able to look at anything related to teaching since December without having massive panic attacks. School buses, driving by schools, children – it all sent me into panic attacks that I needed Ativan to come out of. But for the first time in 7 months, I did something teaching related. And not only that, I actually went into Education Station (a teacher supply store) and bought classroom items. Then, I was able to sit down with my newly purchased items and go through them with excitement, to the point I wanted to get my calendar prepped. I felt like I had just won the lottery, y’all. Seriously. To be able to sit down and do something I used to be so passionate about with no terror but enjoyment was soooo good. It was my small victory amid the darkness. That morning, I had a rough morning. I was struggling with questions and doubts and motivation. The only reason I began working on the calendar was because my back hurt from journaling. I am so stinking thankful for that sore back because it gave me hope and a glimpse of the new me that I’m building.

Now, I still don’t know if I’m going to be able to go back to work in the fall. It is my goal, but I don’t know. If I go back, I’ll be teaching Grade 6 with a really awesome Grade Partner. I’d have the kids I taught last year in Grade 4, which would be amazing. It would be a successful experience for me, if I am ready for it. Whether I will be or not depends on therapy progress and exposure to things I’ve been avoiding. But prepping that calendar was a pretty big win in my books.

If you’re in the dark space, I challenge you to start a gratitude log. I have one in my Bullet Journal and at the end of every day I sit down and come up with ONE thing that was good. Sometimes it takes me a long time to come up with something, but there is always one. And then celebrate the HECK out of that. Because while the world may think it’s silly, to you, it’s a big deal. That’s ok. Don’t let them tell you what to celebrate and what not to. Celebrate that one good thing each day.

Keep fighting, dear ones. Keep finding one good thing and celebrating that victory.

Love,

Becca