Don’t Fake Good.
It’s been over a week since my last post. Since then, I’ve been trying so hard to come up with something encouraging to share, because that’s what people like to read. As soon as I become real about how I’m feeling and don’t have a hopeful conclusion people get uncomfortable. Which means they usually stop reading. So, I’ve been trying to come up with something people will read because that’s the whole reason I’m doing this – to share and raise awareness about what it’s like to have your mind fighting against you daily. But, the last week or so, I haven’t been able to “come up with a hopeful ending”. I haven’t been able to find an encouraging send off. And I’ve been afraid to share because of that.
As you may have guessed from my introductory paragraph, this week has been dark. I feel as though everything is falling apart around me and I can do nothing about it. I usually process and escape by writing, but this week I was so burdened by trying to find something “positive” to share, I haven’t even been able to process, let alone share. As I was driving across town today from my boyfriend’s house to my grandparents, a line my therapist emailed me last week kept running through my mind… “Don’t edit your emotions. The world and yourself need you to be able to be real in this. Don’t fake good. Be real and authentic.”
Truth is, I’ve been in a really dark place, even though this past week I was blessed to have many days with my support people (family, best friend, boyfriend). Though I’m thankful for these times, I just can’t shake this darkness. I saw my doctor last week, and my DSM-5 score (tests which give an approximation of how much I’m struggling) went down 4 points, which she was so pumped about and desperately tried to convince me I was making progress, but I just couldn’t see it. I don’t feel progress. I feel the opposite. I feel like I’m failing.
“Don’t edit your emotions.”
I had the opportunity to go to an acoustic concert with my boyfriend on the weekend and instead of experiencing peace, I was reminded of all the things my illness has made harder. The only reason I went to the concert was because it was supposed to be acoustic – which in my mind meant quiet and chill. However, it wasn’t what I was expecting. The panic rose and I became overwhelmed, everything started spinning. We had to move and sit where there was no one close because I couldn’t even sit beside one person I didn’t know. Since I’ve been housebound for so long, everything seemed so much louder, so much brighter. I felt so stupid for having to plug my ears for most of the concert. I used to be able to sit and watch an entire Broadway Theatre production without standing up, but my body is so tight from tension and always being on edge that I couldn’t sit. I needed constant stretch breaks and room to stretch out my aching hips, back and neck. It was a slap in the face that I’m struggling with everything.
“The world and yourself need you to be able to be real in this.”
My boyfriend invited 3 friends over to his house for supper Sunday night for supper. The two of us spent the afternoon prepping veggies, ribs and salad and I even baked a batch of brownies (something I used to enjoy doing before my life went to hell. For a moment, it felt like progress). But when these people came over, I felt like I forgot how to be a person. I’ve known these people for years, but they were suddenly terrifying. I spent a lot of time “working” in the kitchen because I was just so overwhelmed. I realized that I can’t even have dinner with people, people I know are safe, without feeling overwhelmed, without feeling like I need to pop Ativan or run away. I was so disappointed in myself for not being able to be the person they expected to see – the person I expected to be.
“Don’t fake good.”
I’ve been completely exhausted, going to bed between 6-7pm because I’ve been so overwhelmed, I just can’t function. I sleep and wake up feeling like I never slept at all. I am so freaking tired. My body aches all the time. Stupid little things overwhelm me, to the point I’m starting to wonder if that psychiatrist I saw was right when he said my real issue is Autism (though, I know that’s not true. I’ve been repeatedly traumatized and abused, y’all).
“Be authentic and real.”
Then today, the one thing that has kept me fighting, getting married and becoming a mom, the life I so desperately want in the near future seems to be slipping further and further away. It is the one thing that can bring me a small amount of hope and joy when I think about it. But everywhere we turn, there’s an obstacle. Cam has graduated from SAIT and is looking for a job so we can start our lives together. We’ve sent out so many applications and I’m so defeated. Whether it’s a lack of experience resulting in no word on applications, to an interview for a poor salary, all I can see are the doors slamming in our faces. Will someone ever take a chance on him? Will we ever get to be together? Will this long distance continue forever? Am I going to lose him? It all seems too much. I don’t see a way through. He says, “Trust and just keep applying” and I think, “We’ve sent out like 60 and only heard from one. The odds aren’t good.”
“Don’t fake good.”
This fight seems impossible. I feel like I’m losing the one thing I’m fighting for. As I drove back to my boyfriend’s house after supper tonight, I was plagued with the thoughts of how this isn’t worth it. There will always be something in the way. I will never be the same. People see me and think I’m Autistic. My heart is breaking and there’s nothing I can do. I just want this to end. I want to be happy. I want to live again, without always being reminded of the things I can’t do. The things that trauma has stolen from me. I’ve been fighting so hard, so freaking hard, and I now feel like the thing I’m fighting for will never happen. I want to get married. I love my boyfriend so incredibly much. But it doesn’t seem possible. I feel it will never happen. He tells me all the time he loves me, and that we will be together, but my head just screams, “Love isn’t solving our problems.” I know that’s dark. I know it’s negative. I know that thinking these thoughts isn’t helping me either. I’ve been trying so hard to fight them off but I’m just so tired. All I see is obstacles. I’m a mess. Unfit to work. Function. He’s relying on someone reading his killer resume I made him and taking a chance on him. Door after door is slamming. I’m not sure how much more I can take. I’m breaking. No, I’m broken. Completely. And I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to even roughly put back the pieces. I feel like they’re being smashed into powder by a hammer one by one. You can’t make powder back into a piece of glass. I’m losing this battle.
“Don’t fake good.”
I got in my car to drive back to my grandparents for the night after sitting on Cam’s couch for an hour just crying as he sent out more applications. My mind was busy with thoughts of how I should just end it all, because I can’t handle anymore pain. I turned on the radio in my car to try and block out the thoughts and I recognized Lauren Daigle’s voice instantly. The lyrics that filled my car were as follows: “Where are You now, when darkness seems to win? Where are You now, when the world is crumbling?” I heard those words and the tears started flowing harder and I whispered, “Seriously…” Then the chorus came on saying, “I hear You say, look up child.” Now I’m bawling to the point I had to pull over because I couldn’t see through the tears to drive. I sat there, crying and yelling, “What do you mean, look up? What do you do when you look up but see nothing but darkness? What does that mean for me? Where do I go from here? All I see is darkness. No matter how far I look… Where are YOU in this freaking darkness?!”
“Don’t edit your emotions. The world and yourself need you to be able to be real in this. Don’t fake good. Be real and authentic.”
To be honest, I don’t know where to go from here. But I do know that I don’t have to edit my emotions to fit peoples’ comfort zones. I need to be true to me and I hope and pray that others can either relate or learn from what I share. I’m done faking good. I’m tired of hiding my pain. I am learning to be real and authentic for the first time in my life. I know it’s uncomfortable. I know this isn’t encouraging. But I don’t apologize for that, I can’t. Because in order for me to do what I set out to do, I have to tell it like it is. To process and heal, I need to give a voice to my emotions that I’ve pushed down for so many years.
So, I’m not faking good. I can’t. I’m just holding on for dear life, praying I make it until the next hour. That’s all I can do. I’m doing the best I can and I have to learn to be okay with that.
Love,
Becca
Cover image taken from Google. No Copyright Infringement Intended. Lyrics referenced in this post are from Lauren Daigle’s Album, Look Up Child, and the song called, Look Up Child.
