Fight On, Fighter

Wednesday morning I had a therapy appointment. I left feeling good, despite having to recall another one of my childhood traumas. I left with tears in my eyes, but was able to ground myself quickly with music and my journal and I was feeling good. I was finally starting to see progress in myself… I worked through one trauma and was moving onto another one. I was feeling emotions, I was crying the tears I should have cried 16 years ago. I got home from my other appointments that day feeling hopeful. I sat down at my computer and let the words flow… There was so much happening inside of me I just needed an outlet. I created this inspirational-ish post as an update for how Trauma Therapy was going. But I just can’t seem to post it… Because it’s not the way I feel today. That hope I felt before has dissipated.

Now, I know that this is part of the process. Some days I feel hopeful and some days I don’t. I knew that going in – there would be ups and downs. But that doesn’t make being in the blah-downer stage any easier.

I don’t quite have the words to describe how I’m feeling. My mom texted me this afternoon asking how I was and my response was, “I don’t know. I feel off, but ok.” Even as I sit here writing this, I still fail to come up with better descriptors. It’s so frustrating not being able to control my own emotions. I tried everything I could think of today to try and cheer myself up. To spark my joy. I had a conversation with my best friend. I made chocolate chip pancakes. Looked at photos from happier times. I journaled. Listened to music. Watched a few episodes of one of my favorite TV shows. I talked to my boyfriend on the phone. I dreamed of upcoming travel plans. But I’m still stuck here, in this place of unknown darkness. I’ve tried so hard to feel something, but I can’t.

Is there such a thing as trying too hard to feel which results in feeling nothing? Does that even make sense? I have no idea. All I know is I don’t want to be numb. I’ve been so proud of myself for feeling the emotions and grieving. I know that sounds weird, but it is something new for me. Being numb, I know. Feeling grief? New.

As I was scrolling through Pinterest, I came across this quote by Brenè Brown that says, “When we numb the darkness, we numb the light.” Which totally makes sense. However, what do you do when you’re not intentionally numbing the darkness? What do you do when your body is involuntarily doing the opposite of what you want? What do you do when you can’t control your emotions? When you can’t find the light no matter how hard you try?

Honestly, I don’t have an answer for you. This isn’t one of those amazingly inspirational posts that I’ve written before. This is one of my real and raw posts where I’m just lost in the confusion of it all.

As I was watching one of my TV shows today, a few conversations jumped out at me. The show is about Army Medics who have returned from tour and are working in a Texas hospital. One of the main characters, TC, struggles with PTSD. Maybe that’s why I was drawn to this show today, I don’t know. But there were two conversations I had to pause the show for to write them down.

The first was a conversation between TC and his girlfriend, Jordan. He had been struggling with flashbacks and bad triggers when he had a breakdown one day at the hospital. He was sitting on the couch in the doctors lounge, crying as he told Jordan about the memory that haunts him. At the end, he says to her, “I’ve been blocking it… But I had to tell someone… I had to. I thought I could bury it in here, but I can’t.” I heard him, watched him point to his heart and almost cried. Because I get it. Walking this road alone is hard. I’d actually say it’s impossible. I tried to bury everything too, and it resulted in a major breakdown too. Your heart eventually breaks from all the buried pain. Though, his girlfriend called his breakdown a breakthrough and I thought that was a nice way to look at it. Because that’s kind of what mine was too. I broke completely and realized I needed help. I needed to be vulnerable. I needed to feel my emotions.

However, my story doesn’t work out like TV. After TC’s breakdown, there was a season break and he came back to season two a new man. I don’t have that luxury. I can’t just snap my fingers and come back a new person. I’m stuck going through the steps to healing, fighting hard as ever through each one. I’m stuck with the process that takes months, or even years. I’m stuck feeling (or not feeling) all of these dark days.

I’ll close with one last conversation from the show. Jordan was talking with a young patient and said, “Feelings are good… Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel” (which is exactly what my therapist has been telling me). The young girl responded and said, “I don’t know how I feel, I feel numb” (another “yes girl, I feel you” moment). Jordan replied to her patient and said, “Well, how about we sit here and be numb together.” And that’s when it clicked. I can’t do this on my own. It’s okay to feel numb. It’s okay to admit that I’m not doing okay. It is in these moments that being vulnerable will help. I need the support of my family and friends during this time and that doesn’t mean I’m weak. It means I’m fighting with raging courage.

Hope will return soon. I just need to hold on through this darkness.

Fight on, fighters.

Love,

Becca

Cover Image Taken from Google – No Copyright Infringement Intended. Brenè Brown quote from Pinterest. Television Show Referenced is The Night Shift, Season 1, Episode 8 “Save Me”. Original Air Date July 15, 2014 and Season 2, Episode 1 “Recovery”. Original Air Date February 23, 2015. Closing phrase comes from the song, “Fight On, Fighter” by For King and Country.