Haven’t Seen it Yet

The one “problem” I’ve encountered with sharing my story for all to read is I get a lot more people asking how I am doing. When I first started blogging, this used to bug the heck out of me because it was so hard to admit that I was struggling… badly. But now that I’m used to broadcasting the life of Becca to the Internet World, it has become easier to answer these questions. 

How am I doing? Better. Better than 7 months ago. Better than one month ago. I’m fighting like hell to make it through this. When I go out and see people that I know and those following my journey, they have been making comments along the lines of, “It’s so nice to see the sparkle back in your eyes.” “You seem to be doing so well!” Some are treasured little moments of reassurance that this fight isn’t for nothing and that I’m not invisible in my struggle. But then some leave me feeling confused, such as this statement: “You’ve worked so hard and it’s paying off. Well done. You’re one of our success stories. I just can’t believe how far you’ve come. Congratulations on your hard work, we’re so proud of you.”

Before this email from my Benefit Company Rep, I had been congratulated for my hard work twice. Both times were at a graduation ceremony- first high school and then when I convocated with my Bachelor of Education Degree. “Congratulations on your hard work! We are so proud of you!” Those lines came from my family, my teachers and professors – those who watched my journey through school. I too felt proud. Graduation is a significant milestone and I had accomplished it twice. I worked hard to get there – to walk the stage (and not trip). My hard work had paid off. I was about to embark on a new chapter of life and it made sense when someone said they were proud of me. I had accomplished something great. 

But when my Benefit Rep said those words to me, my heart sank. Not only do I not feel proud, I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything, let alone anything great. 

I’m going to be really honest here. I feel like a total failure. I’ve been working through this in therapy and some days are good and others failure just smacks me straight in the face. This past week is one where I’ve been stuck in failure mode. I’ve been off of work for 7 months because I was too mentally unstable to be there. Now I know that this isn’t something that should bother me. It wasn’t my fault, I was dealing with trauma… There’s so many things that prove this isn’t me being weak. But I honestly am ashamed to admit that I’m off work because of a Mental Illness, and just as ashamed to admit that to you now. You must be thinking, “But Rebecca, you’ve been blogging about your story and we all know what you’re battling” and I know deep down that is true. But I am completely terrified of my employers finding out why I’m off work. I’m terrified they’ll find this blog. I’m terrified of the judgement. But most of all, I’m embarrassed that I wasn’t strong enough to keep working. I’m embarrassed that I, a 25 year old, ended up on Extended Disability for something no one understands.

So when people say they’re proud of me, I honestly think, “For what?” For breaking completely and losing myself? For trying to find the motivation each morning to decide whether being alive is worth it? What on earth do you have to be proud of? I can’t even feed myself. If no one makes me food, I just won’t eat. My house is a mess. I cannot sleep, no matter how hard I try. I’m exhausted ALL the time. I’m not contributing to society, I have no purpose or significance. Why are you congratulating me when I feel like a complete and utter failure? 

Now, I know that I have made progress. There are numerous little victories I could celebrate and am celebrating. But I still feel so far gone that I struggle being proud of myself because all I feel is disappointment. While parts of “Old Rebecca” are beginning to come back, there is still a lot of darkness within me. Days where my brain just screams at me such horrible and depressing things. I try to not let them win, but I’m so tired. So, so tired. I miss sleep. I miss actually accomplishing great things. I miss helping make the world a better place. How can you congratulate someone who’s not even sure being alive is worth it? How can you be proud of that? How can I ever be proud of myself for that? 

Yesterday I was driving home from Edmonton and my mind was reeling with these thoughts. It was dark and gloomy – a few raindrops falling here and there. The gloom reflected my mood. It feels so wrong to be congratulated for failing. It seems wrong for people to be proud of someone who couldn’t handle what life threw at her. I was in the midst of this internal dialogue when I decided I needed a distraction. I picked up my phone and pressed shuffle on my playlist and this song came on. It’s one I’ve listened to numerous times before, but felt it resonate deep within me yesterday. The song is called, “Haven’t Seen it Yet” by Danny Gokey and the first verse says, 

“Have you been praying and you still have no answers?

Have you been pouring out your heart for so many years?

Have you been hoping that things would have changed by now?

Have you cried all the faith you have through so many tears?”

Haven’t Seen it Yet, Danny Gokey

I began to cry because that seems to be all that I do these days, but that last line got me right in the heart. And then suddenly something spectacular happened. Just as the chorus began, the rain clouds packed up and moved out and the sun beamed in, sharing it’s light and warmth again. These words streamed through my speakers… 

It’s like the brightest sunrise

Waiting on the other side

Of the darkest night

Don’t ever lose hope, hold on and believe

Maybe you just haven’t seen it

Just haven’t seen it yet

You’re closer than you think you are

Only moments from the break of dawn

All His promises are just up ahead

Maybe you just haven’t seen it

Just haven’t seen it yet

And that’s when I realized that I just can’t see what everyone else sees because I’m still living through the struggle. It feels so discouraging 99% of the time but the fact is, I HAVE made progress. My sunrise is waiting for me on the other side of this dark night. I just haven’t seen it yet. I need to keep holding on.

So I will continue to fight, until I do see it. Until I can stand and say, I’m proud to have walked the journey I have and that I know something good will come from this one day. 

Hang in there, fighters. Our sunrise is coming. The darkness can’t last forever. It won’t. Hang on until you see it.

Love,

Becca