I Won’t Go Speechless
I have always loved music. I love the rhythmic comfort it provides. I love the way it can calm, soothe, pump me up or explain my feelings when I’m at a lack for words. I love the way artists can blend such beautiful melodies together with touching lyrics. I love the way my heart feels when I listen to someone play old hymns on the piano. I just love music.
I often say that my life is just one really long musical, still being written (because hey, 25 Acts just isn’t enough, right?!) But in all seriousness, music has always been a grounding and calming thing for me. Even when I was in University, music was the one thing that got me through. I think in musical rhythms. I have a difficult time memorizing, but as soon as it’s put to a tune, I can sing it for you over and over, after only hearing it once. It’s what got me through my dreaded Stats class – I couldn’t remember those stinkin’ formulas to save my life, so I made them into songs. I was that crazy girl writing my exams, bobbing my head to a song being sung silently in my head to remember all the parts of the formula. I love putting hard to remember things to a song. Ask my Grade 4 students – we sang about First, Second and Third Class Levers over and over and over, but they knew the different placements of the fulcrum by the time I was done with them!
My musical thinking brain aside, I find that there’s always a song out there for the mood I’m in… On the days that I feel like I’m drowning and will never surface, I can find peace or hope within lyrics when I really need a sign to hold on a bit longer. On the days that my brain is screaming and waging a war within me, there’s those peaceful melodies that calms the screaming and provides the reprieve I so desperately needed. There are days where I just can’t stand silence because my mind tends to try and convince myself I’d be better off dead. I’m thankful that I have music to fill the space, because more often than not, some lyric jumps out at me and I realize that my life is worth living and I can make it through this. I am so thankful for music.
If you were to ask me what my favorite song is, I honestly wouldn’t be able to give you one. I have many favorites that have spoken to me at different moments in my life. I will always treasure those songs because they carried me through a very difficult time in my life.
Currently, though, one of my favorite songs is from the new Aladdin movie. It is a new song that Princess Jasmine (Naomi Scott) sings. When I first heard it, I got shivers and tears in my eyes. I’ve attached the song for you to listen to before I explain why this now has become one of my favorite songs.
I am in the middle of my “quarter life crisis” as my therapist once jokingly told me. But in reality, he was kind of right. I have reached this point where I have come face to face with past and present trauma and my body and brain doesn’t know how to cope. I don’t know anything anymore. All I know is I don’t feel safe in schools anymore. I was abused there as a child and was abused there now. I’ve had enough. My brain keeps telling me that I wasn’t meant to be a teacher. If I was, I wouldn’t have been abused 3 out of 4 years of my teaching career. I’m done. I’m done with kids, teaching… fighting for this life. I’m just totally done. I’m trying to figure out where to go from here and come up with some sort of plan (because I love having my life planned out and knowing what’s happening next). All I can feel is this loss of myself – I don’t know who I am if I’m not a teacher. All my life I’ve wanted to be a teacher – I taught Sunday School when I was a kid with my mom, I taught swimming lessons for years and trained lifeguards. I loved to teach and I was good at it. But it now has been stolen from me and I feel like I have no identity. If I can’t be a teacher, my life is worthless. I’ve struggled for months believing this lie that my worth is placed in what I do for others (classic people pleaser). If I can’t please everyone, I’m worthless. If I can’t contribute to society, I’m worthless. That’s a really tough space to live in. I’ve struggled with suicidal ideation heavily. I remember one day sitting and sobbing in my therapist’s office saying, “I don’t know who I am anymore…” To be honest, I was wondering if it was even worth finding out who I am.
It’s been one hell of a journey. I wish I could say that it’s over and that I know who I am and what I’m going to do with my life, but I don’t. I think I may have an idea, a slight plan, but it is only the logical thing to do and I’m not sure I’ll be healthy enough to carry it out. That terrifies me. But, one thing I have been learning through this process so far is that I am not worthless, even if I am not working currently for Mental Illness reasons. I’m not worthless if I don’t go back to teaching. I’m not worthless if I don’t make everyone happy. My worth isn’t based off whether everyone likes me or not. I am valuable because of who I am, flaws and all. And that’s a pretty powerful realization.
Now, I know you must be thinking, “Okay, Rebecca, that’s a great story, I’m glad you’ve had these revelations, but what does this have to do with the song you posted?” Let me tell you. In this season of trying to find out who I am, though I haven’t discovered who I am and what I’m supposed to do with my life yet, I have realized that I am worthy. I am worthy to be heard. I am worthy of having a voice – of telling my story.
That’s why this song was so powerful for me. Though I know Princess Jasmine’s circumstances were completely different than mine, I related to the song. All my life, I’ve never felt like I’ve had a voice. I always felt like I had to blend in, please everyone, say what people wanted to hear. When I began struggling with my Mental Health, this became especially difficult. The world was screaming at me to stay silent, to be speechless and invisible, but my heart was yearning for connection. I was yearning to be known, to encourage, to be encouraged, to tell the story of what it’s like to live with an Invisible Illness. I started writing as a way to process and heal from experiences in my life and to hopefully help people understand what happens inside my head. When I published my first post, I felt so good. I was going to help people understand Mental Illness. I was using my voice. When I shared the post, lots of people liked it and commented how great it was that I was doing this. I was on a high – I’m being vulnerable and people are okay with it! But then, it all crashed when I began receiving messages saying horrible things. “You’re not an inspiration, you’re the exact opposite. Sharing your negative life sure won’t help others get through theirs.” There were other messages, but the gist of them was telling me not to use my voice. That I wasn’t worthy to be heard. That only my “positive and encouraging posts should be shared.” I began to battle with whether they were right – I mean, there must be a reason that no one talks about Mental Illness. Maybe I’m doing the wrong thing. Am I breaking some rule?
I’ve been battling with these thoughts for the past month. It’s been hard. In my last post I made a statement that I’m so glad I’ve found my voice. And it’s true. So I totally related with Jasmine when she sang,
I won’t be silenced
Music by Alan Menken; Lyrics by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul
You can’t keep me quiet
Won’t tremble when you try it
All I know is I won’t go speechless
‘Cause I’ll breathe when they try to suffocate me
Don’t you underestimate me
‘Cause I know that I won’t go speechless
Written in stone, every rule, every word
Centuries old and unbending
Stay in your place, better seen and not heard
Well, now that story’s ending
Performed by Naomi Scott as Jasmine
While Jasmine was talking about the fact that women had no voice within her country, I heard those words and thought, “YES.”
To me, that verse describes how we have viewed Mental Illness as a society. “Stay in your place“…. We don’t want to deal with your ‘crazy’. “Better seen and not heard“… Just be quiet and be ‘invisible’. We don’t want to hear you or even acknowledge that what you’re battling is REAL. And when Jasmine sang, “Well, now that story’s ending,” I got shivers. Because that’s exactly how I feel. While I’m not on a rights for women campaign like she was, I am fighting to raise awareness for Mental Illness. I want to break the stigma. I want to challenge people to stop overlooking people. To see the Invisible. I want to help stir up a culture where it’s okay to be vulnerable. Where people connect, people support, people care and people love.
That is what I want. I am going to speak up from the darkest depths so people know. People can’t know what it is like to fight this battle unless someone shares. And while everyone’s battle is different, the more we learn, the better we can love and support each other. So I will not go speechless. I will continue to use my voice, not only for me, but for all of those out there who are fighting silently.
To those who feel they have no voice, know you do. You matter. When you can, use your voice. I know it is hard and so incredibly scary. Stand up and say, “Yes, I struggle and am in a dark place sometimes, but I am still worthy to be here.”
Keep fighting, sweet friends. Let’s not go speechless.
Love, Becca
Cover image taken from Google – No Copyright Infringement Intended.
