Just Keep Swimming

Today marked my 4th day back at work since my 8 month Extended Disability Leave. I so desperately wish that I could come on here and say that its been a breeze and I was able to pick up where I left off. However, this is not the case. Returning to work has been freaking hard. I feel incredibly overwhelmed. Teaching used to come easy for me. I never struggled to come up with ideas or lessons that were fun and engaging. I could teach without a plan and still deliver great lessons. I had a gift – one that I was thankful for. But I feel like that gift was taken away when trauma stole part of my life.

I’m sitting here writing this with tears in my eyes because if I’m being honest, I’m completely terrified of what is to come. I’m afraid that I’ve forgotten how to teach. I’ve been trying to plan my kiddos first day for 4 days and I just barely scraped together a plan this afternoon. It’s not great. It’s not fun. It’s not what old Rebecca would do, but I honestly can’t remember what old Rebecca would do. Everything feels awkward and delayed. I sometimes feel like I’m forcing my brain to think again. And that is scaring me more than I want to admit. Not to mention the fact that every part of my being is telling me that I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life by coming back. I know my brain is mainly feeding me lies based in fear, but they’re coming out so loud and so strong that it’s hard not to listen to them. Returning to work has been hard. Almost as hard as fighting to get there was.

I wish I knew that I could do this. I wish I knew that once my kiddos come, I’ll get in my groove and I’ll be okay. But I don’t know that. Depression has washed over my body like a warm and cozy blanket, so familiar and strangely comforting that it feels wrong to want to crawl out from it. I’m afraid I’m regressing. I come home from work completely exhausted, physically and mentally and all I want to do is crawl into bed and go to sleep. However, I can go to bed at 5pm and sleep until 6am and still wake up feeling tired. My body isn’t actually resting… It’s hiding away from things that would help keep me well – my Self-Care. I talked with my therapist last night and he reinforced how important it is for me not to just crawl into bed when I get home. This anxiety and depression I’m feeling needs to be moved, and the best way to move that energy is by being physically active – something I’ve been neglecting since I returned to work.

Can I be honest with you all? I’m finding the Self-Care aspect of my recovery really hard. Yes, I go to Trauma Yoga (which has been amazing) and I practice yoga at home in the morning to ground me before I go to work. But I’m finding the being active part of my journey really, really tough. I find I’m so exhausted and peopled out at the end of the day that when I get home, I just want to BE home. Going for a walk or a swim is the last thing I want to do. I know it’s important, but I just can’t seem to find the energy or will. And this makes me feel like the world’s worst person, because I’m preventing myself from getting better. It’s like a never ending cycle of depression and anxiety that just feeds off one another, leaving me feeling hopeless.

I thought I was on the other side. I thought I had made it through. But Mental Illness doesn’t give up. It’s relentless and I once again feel like I’m losing the battle.

As I sit here with tears streaming down my face, I’m desperately clinging to an analogy my therapist gave me last night. He reminded me of Dory’s catchy little tune from Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…” He then told me that in swimming, if you do it consistently, the movements come naturally and fluid. But as soon as you take a break from it for a while, the next time you get in the pool, it feels awkward. The movements take a bit more work to come and sometimes it feels like you’re just going to die. But you just keep swimming and it slowly becomes easier and more fluid. He said my return to work is like that. I’ve taken a break, a long one at that, and things feel awkward coming back. It’s not flowing naturally. But if I just keep swimming, it will start to come naturally again. And I can’t tell you how desperately I want this to be true.

So here I am, a mess. Writing a not so encouraging post, deep in the middle of the trenches, not sure which way is up or how to make it through. But all I know is that my therapist has been right 100% of the time thus far, so if I just keep swimming, I should make it through this. I hope and pray this is true.

Just keep swimming, friends. Channel your inner Dory. No matter what you do, don’t stop fighting. I need you here. The world needs you here. You’re loved, you’re valued and you belong here. And the next time fear creeps in, remember this quote.

Love,

Becca

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