Keep Climbing

When I was on disability before, I spent a lot of time on Facebook and Instagram. It was my way of trying to keep up with what was happening outside of my house, where I was being held prisoner by my own mind. Despite my paranoia and depression, I desperately wanted connection and to not be alone, but that just wasn’t feasible at the time.

I’ve been on disability for three days and already the feelings of loneliness and paranoia have returned. I feel like I can’t leave my house or be seen because I don’t look “sick”. That’s the problem with having an invisible illness – people judge you based off what they can see and if they can’t see your illness, then you must be fine. That is one of the reasons I wanted to share my story. I want people to know that there is so much more to people than what you can see on the surface. I may look fine to you outwardly, but on the inside, I feel like I’m slowly dying.

The three weeks that I spent back at work were extremely tough. I know it sounds pathetic that I only made it three weeks, but to me, those were the longest three weeks of my life. I’ve never felt so overwhelmed and so inadequate before in my life. The suicidal thoughts came back strong, as I just wanted a way out from all of it. I just wanted it to be done. I tried my very best and I realized that I can’t do that job anymore. I’m also realizing that it is okay that I can’t too.

However, that doesn’t mean that I’m totally cured of my anxiety. I feel an incredible amount of anxiety about the future – what I should do, where I should go… The one thing I do know is that I need community. I need family and friends around me to support me, because fighting this fight on my own is getting too hard. The suicidal thoughts still come but I’ve been combating them off by thinking about my upcoming wedding and scrolling through our engagement photos that we recently had taken. There is a life still out there for me. I believe that. I believe I am called to become a wife, a mother and to not live in solitude for the rest of my life.

A few months ago when I was killing time on Facebook, I came across this video of a little bear trying to climb a glacier to meet up with his momma. But the poor little guy just keeps sliding down, no matter how hard he tries to get to the top. You can’t help but feel sorry for the little guy as you watch his struggle.

Yesterday while I was in therapy, my therapist reminded me of this video. Then he told me something rather profound that I want to share with you. This little bear tries so hard to make it to the top, but just keeps sliding downwards. But the one thing that the little guy doesn’t do is give up. Even when it looks like he is going to go flying over the edge to his death, he finds a way to make it to solid ground, and begin the climb again. That little guy is resilient – a word that my therapist used to describe me and my journey as well.

Y’all, I’ve fought so hard to be here. I fought not only to stay alive, but to give work another go. I did the best that I could with the information I had then. Now, I have more information. I know that teaching 40 kids for 2 hours a day every day is not something that I can handle right now. I know that I’m still healing. I know that full time classroom teaching may not be something that I can handle right now. And you know what? That’s ok. Because just like that little bear, every time I get knocked down, I keep getting back up and slowly begin the climb again.

It doesn’t matter that I can’t be a contributing member of society right now. It doesn’t matter that I’m not able to hold a job right now. It doesn’t matter that I only lasted three weeks. It doesn’t matter that I’m on my second round of disability. What matters is that I haven’t given up. Like that little bear, I’ve slid. Maybe farther than I wanted to. But I’m slowly but surely beginning to climb again. And that, my friends is what matters.

If you’re reading this, know that you’re just like that little bear too. You’ve tried your hardest and yes, it may feel like you keep getting knocked down… But don’t give up. You can make it through this. We can make it through this together. I’m cheering you on and know that if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you’ll make it up that glacier. We’ll make it together.

Keep fighting, dear friends. Find your item that brings you joy and hold onto it. Look at it as often as you need to. I look at my engagement photos numerous times a day because it keeps me wanting to fight. I know not all of you are in the place where you have that significant other to keep you going and that’s okay too. Find whatever or whoever it is that keeps you going and keep fighting. Keep climbing. Because one day, sooner than we think, we’ll make it to the top and the view will be worth it.

Keep climbing, dear friends and know that I am right there beside you.  

Love,

Becca

Feature Image Taken by Kelsey Victoria Photography.