Let November be November
On November 21st, I turned 26. I don’t tell you this to make you feel bad for not saying Happy Birthday, but because I am proud of the fact that I have made it to 26. 25 was a tough year to live through, which I’m sure most of you know and there were months where I wasn’t sure I would see 26.
November seems to always be a tough month for me. As I detailed in my last post, it is a month that I always seem to encounter periods of deep depression, and unfortunately, this November was no different. It’s part of the reason I haven’t blogged at all this month. I’ve been stuck in this deep depression which has made it difficult to leave my house, feed myself, maintain personal hygiene, let alone write about how I’ve been feeling. I’ve spent a lot of time hiding away from the world underneath the covers (and let’s be honest, Disney + certainly isn’t helping things).
I came into this month putting a lot of pressure on myself. I was determined to make this November different than the past years. I planned a birthday party for my fiancé and I. I went to a sign making night. I tried so hard to plan events and make myself be present, but sadly, filling my calendar doesn’t change what’s happening deep down inside of me.
As I watch the days tick away this month, I can’t help but feel disappointed in myself. I didn’t succeed at beating the depression. I spent more days depressed this month than I did otherwise. I feel like I failed myself – the depression won once again.
Today I spent a lot of time beating myself up over how this month went. I feel defeated. I feel like no matter how hard I try, the depression ALWAYS wins. Which is a hard way to start a “new year” for me. I want so desperately for 26 to be a year of breakthrough for me. I have so many exciting things coming this year- I’m traveling to Mexico twice, I’m getting married, I’m going to Antigua on my honeymoon, I’m going to see Lauren Daigle live in Montreal with my mom… 26 will be filled with a lot of big moments for me, and I so desperately want to be present and healthy for them. But I’m afraid I’ll continue to be stuck in this deep depression, feeling like a spectator to my own life.
On November 8th, I was assessed by two psychiatrists in Calgary for 3 hours. They asked me a lot of questions (like A LOT of questions) about my life and what happened to me that made me take off work. I was worried that they wouldn’t understand, that they would judge me for what I’m feeling and how my body is responding, but y’all, they never. I left the appointment feeling heard and understood. I felt compassion and empathy – things I didn’t expect to feel from psychiatrists. But most importantly, they both told me that I don’t have to feel like this forever. And for the first time, I kind of believed it. They have some recommendations for my doctor that should help, like some med adjustments and other things. They want me to see “the best” psychotherapist in Calgary for some intensive therapy in the New Year. They’re not recommending me to return to work until September, and even then, it would be only a half day a week. Which, in some ways, was a relief, but in other ways felt like a slap in the face that this hard journey isn’t even close to being over. But I’m choosing to cling to this statement from one of the psychiatrists: “This is the reason I do this work. I meet people during some of the worst moments of their lives and I get to walk with them to the other side and watch them take back their life. I’ve seen people who have gone through similar traumas as you make it through to the other side, and I know that you will too. You won’t feel like this forever, I promise.” I’m so desperately hoping that this means that 26 will be a breakthrough year for me.
I’ve been wrestling with all of these feelings this month and as I said, it’s been another tough November for the books. But, just as I was feeling extremely defeated, I went on Instagram and found words from Morgan Harper Nichols that seem like they were written just for me. I’m so thankful for moments like this – where I find a small glimmer of hope amidst the chaos.
She said, “Through the wild of November, it is well, it is well. For all that fell apart, unravelling beyond your control, the golden threads in the morning sunlight remind you: you are whole, and through all that was lost, you are free to start over. You are free to begin again after everything that happened. Let November be November, let December be December, let your heart be warm with hope right here in early winter. And when old memories find you, let morning Light remind you the past is still behind you and you are free to start again.”
So I’m choosing to believe that 26 will be a year of breakthrough for me. I’m choosing to believe that the past doesn’t have to be my future and that my story is not over. I’m going to let November be November. I’m not going to carry the defeat with me into December. I’m just going to let it be.
Whatever this month brought you, I hope you’re able to leave this month with hope. Let November be November. Know that you are free to start again, no matter how wild this month was. Through the chaos, there is still light and hope and it is my wish that you will be able to see that light, no matter how dim it seems.
Keep fighting, dear friends. The journey is not easy. We all have a different story and a different struggle, but we all need the same thing. We need love, patience and encouragement. So as December comes, I pray that you will be able to enter the month knowing you are loved beyond measure and that you are worth it.
Love,
Becca
Cover Image taken from Google. No Copyright Infringement Intended.
So, Here Comes November
