Moving Forward

I love house hunting. Whether it be looking at show homes, looking for new places to rent or even watching people house hunt on television, there’s something about the excitement and potential a new place brings that captivates me. This past week, Cam and I went house hunting. The time came for us to strongly consider the distance between us. Our entire relationship, we’ve had between 2-6 hours separating us. I began to really struggle with the loneliness of being isolated here in Taber. I’ve been here for three years and have no friends, church or family to connect with. The isolation isn’t helping my mental health or my recovery at all. So, on the weekend, we went looking at different duplexes in different cities before we finally found “the one”.  

Sunday was a bittersweet day. We signed the lease for the place that we will live in together once we are married. I will move into the place on Saturday. The best part is that is it only a two minute drive from where Cam and his family lives, seven minutes from my grandparents and I have a church family that has accepted me already and friends that live there too. While I’m excited for my move to Leduc, there is a part of me that is grieving.

That sounds ridiculous, I know. I should be excited to be moving on and starting a life with my wonderful fiancé. But deep down inside, I feel like I should stay trapped in this prison… That I deserve the life that I have here in Taber… The life where I’m too afraid to leave my house. The life where I’m paranoid and depressed and full of anxiety and panic. I feel like I deserve that life, because it is mainly all that I’ve known. I feel drawn to stay here, hiding away in my house. Part of me is grieving the loss of who I thought I was going to be. Everything is different that I had planned. I feel like I deserve this life and the crappy cards I’ve been dealt.

I know that’s not true. I know that it’s just a lie that my brain is telling me. But it doesn’t help. Truth be told, I’m slightly terrified to move. I know that it will be soooo nice being close to Cam, family and friends. But there’s a part of me that’s afraid not only of leaving my prison, but leaving what supports I do have here. My Therapist has walked me through hell. I’m afraid of trying to do this without him. That sounds pathetic and needy, but it’s true. I’ve built a strong connection with my Trauma Yoga Therapist. She’s taught me how to connect my mind with my body, which is huge because I never used to be able to connect or feel anything within my body before. I’m afraid that losing her help will set me backwards. After finding such strong Mental Health support people here, I’m afraid that I’ll slip leaving them.

However, I know that I’ll slip even further if I stay here, locked in my prison. Moving forward is good. It will be tough. There will be an adjustment period. But I can make it through, because I won’t be alone. I’ll have support. It will just look a little different than I’m used to. And maybe that’s okay.

I leave you with this quote from Morgan Harper Nichols…

Life may not look the way you thought it would. Things may happen you never thought could happen to you. Life may seem grim, like nothing is going to work out. Twists and turns come, but there can be good that comes from these things. Keep your chin up, dear friends. We can make it through this. Blessings often come disguised… Keep looking. Keep fighting. We can do this.

Love,

Becca

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