My Illness Doesn’t Just Affect Me

Sometimes I get so caught up in just surviving my illness that I forget how it impacts those around me. I’ve always said that I’m a hard person to love because of all of my “issues”. For that reason, I spent years believing that I would be single for the rest of my life because no one would be willing to love me through my struggles. I obviously know that is false, because I am engaged to the most wonderful man who loves me and always stands beside me, no matter what. He’s walked through hell and back with me and has never waivered in his love for me. I am extremely thankful for him.

But as I said, I sometimes lose sight of the fact that my illness affects my friends and most of all my family. I’ve lost some friends because of my illness. I’m notoriously bad at returning texts, which can make continuing a friendship difficult, especially when the majority of my friends are long distance. When I have a depression attack, I withdraw from the world, shutting everything out. I’ll cancel plans that I had previously made and just stay home within the comforts of my home. I can give you a list of negative ways that this impacts me, but I often forget that my actions affect the people around me too. I lose touch not only with myself, but with those around me too.

I’m on a strong combination of medications that leave me feeling tired all of the time, which makes it hard for me to want to be social with other people. All I want to do is nap. I go to bed at a ridiculously early time of 8pm (which every one makes fun of me for, which hurts because I literally cannot keep my eyes open any longer). It’s hard to have much of a social life because most people start hanging out around 7 and I’m already getting ready for bed. My illness doesn’t just affect me. It’s stopped me from connecting with friends that I do have here. It’s made it seem like I have no interest in connecting with people from up here, which is far from the truth. In reality, I’m desperate for friends, but I just can’t show it.

The past two weeks have been extremely difficult for me. My fiancé is working in the North West Territories and I found out he’ll be staying up there an extra week. He’s already been gone for a week and is staying up there for 2 more. I miss him so incredibly much and didn’t realize how much I had come to rely on and enjoy his company in the short time that we’ve lived close together. Not that he can save me from my illness or rescue me, but having him come over after work was extremely nice. We’d go to the gym together, cook supper together… I miss that. I miss having someone come “home” to me. It has sent me into a bit of a funk that I can’t shake, which sadly means that the depression has attacked yet again. I moved here to be closer to him and closer to family, but I still feel utterly alone and it’s difficult.

My mom, being the gem that she is, planned a girl’s weekend for the time that my fiancé was away that my gramma and I would join her in. It consisted of going to a concert and then going to a play a few days later. These are all things that I love and things that the three of us have enjoyed going to numerous times before. While I was excited for this weekend and to go to these two events with my two favorite women, I didn’t realize how my illness would affect my family. The concert and the play both started at 7:30pm. As previously explained, my meds make it difficult for me to stay awake past 8, let alone until 10pm. I struggled throughout the concert, which in turn hurt my mom as she thought that I didn’t enjoy it. I did, I just am not able to show it in the ways that she is used to. When my depression hits, it’s like all of my emotion receptors shut down. It’s hard for me to feel enjoyment, it’s hard for me to relate to someone emotionally and it’s hard for me to understand how my illness is affecting those around me.

My mom sensed that I had withdrawn. It scared her and it hurt her. She was afraid she was losing the relationship she so deeply treasured with her daughter. She brought it up to me and I was frustrated because that obviously isn’t true. Our relationship is fine. It’s one of the most important relationships within my life and I wouldn’t let anything destroy it. But I failed to see that my illness doesn’t just affect me, it affects her too. She spends so much time being strong for me and supporting me through everything I’ve done through and I failed to see that it could be hard on her. That it is hard on her. She went from having a happy go lucky daughter to someone who has walked through hell and become withdrawn, depressed and incredibly anxious. I can’t imagine what it is like for my family trying to guess what I’m feeling or how I’m doing on a daily basis because I totally suck at conveying it. So often I’m stuck in my own head. My illness doesn’t just affect me.

So, to all the people I’ve hurt because of my illness, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I don’t do a better job of seeing things from your side and how I may be hurting you. I’m sorry for not being there for you when you need me. I’m sorry that my struggle has become your struggle. But sadly, I can’t really change these things. So what I really want to say to you is, thank you for loving me through my illness. Thank you for taking on my struggle and bearing it as yours. Thank you for pushing through and continuing to invite me to things, even when I’m withdrawn and depressed. It means the world to me. Thank you for not giving up on me when it may seem like I’ve given up on you.

To all those who read along and try to understand what it’s like to live a life with Mental Illness, thank you. I appreciate you.

Love,

Becca