Tears

On Saturday, the most wonderful and magical thing happened to me. I GOT ENGAGED! Y’all, it was so beautiful and perfect and honestly, magical. It was everything I had dreamed of and more. But, I’m not really writing to tell you about my engagement, I’m writing to tell you what has happened within me since Cam got down on one knee.

When I realized what was happening and saw him down on one knee, I began to cry. And for the first time in so incredibly long, I wasn’t crying tears of pain, I was crying tears of joy. Unexplainable joy. I felt a happiness inside of me I didn’t know was possible. I felt a joy that was greater than how I felt in Disney World. I felt the happiest that I have ever been. When I called to tell my parents, my dad later commented, “She sounds so happy. The happiest I’ve ever heard her”. And it’s true. Moreover, I’m relieved that I was able to feel such strong feelings of joy and happiness. Because part of me was worried that I wouldn’t and I didn’t want my illness to ruin yet another moment for me.

I love Cam with everything in me and I know that he loves me. He has stood beside me through some extremely tough times and has never wavered in his love and support for me. He has encouraged me through everything, been my rock and helped redefine the way I see myself. He was the one who showed me that someone with a multitude of Mental Illnesses is still worthy of love. He’s shown me that I’m not alone in this fight time and time again. It’s been such a powerful thing. Instead of tearing us apart, my illness, in some ways, has made us stronger as a couple.

Now, I don’t write this to say that finding a man will save you. Because it doesn’t. The week before he proposed was an extremely hard week for me. I was conflicted again with whether going back to work was the right decision and I slipped back into my old workaholic ways and was also wondering if fighting this anymore was even worth it. There were days where I wished so hard that I didn’t have people who loved me so dearly and would miss me if I were to leave this earth. I wished that me escaping my pain wouldn’t leave others heartbroken. Because I just can’t cause others that pain. But I wished so hard for a way out. I have a family and now a fiancé who love me like crazy, but I still was looking for a way to escape. Cam hasn’t solved my problems. He’s never tried. He’s just stood beside me as I walked through them, loving me and cheering me on as I fight. And I love him for that.

I guess my point is, I was able to feel true happiness and joy in that moment and in the last few days since. I’ve cried tears of joy over and over and then cried because I was crying joyful tears. I refer to my engagement ring as “my happy finger” because I am cherishing the feelings I’ve been blessed to feel over this weekend. I wasn’t numb. I wasn’t dissociative. I was PRESENT. And I still am. Even today as I said goodbye to Cam for another few weeks, my heart is happy. Normally I’m overwhelmed with sadness and grief, but for the first time, I’m hopeful. Not just for our future and the fact I’m engaged, I’m hopeful that this is a turning point for me. That I’ve worked so freaking hard in therapy to deal with my past and the fact I was not able to experience emotions like I should have been able to. I’m hopeful that I’ll keep making progress. That the panic will stay away for another month, that the suicidal ideation will continue to lessen and I’ll continue to be able to feel and process ALL my emotions.

I’m grateful for this weekend. Not just because I got engaged (though that was FREAKING awesome), but because it showed me once again that I CAN feel happiness and joy when I’m supposed to. It showed me that I can process these emotions and reassured me that I won’t always feel awful. My body wants to heal, too. Will I always feel this happy? No. But it was so nice to have the reassurance that my body is starting to react to emotions more and more. That was almost just as exciting as him sliding the ring on my finger.

Hang in there, fighters. Your moment of happiness is coming. That boost of reassurance that this fight is worth it is on its way. And while it may not be an engagement, you will have your own moment. Cherish the feelings. Cling to the hope. You’re worth it.

Love,

Becca