The Big “D”

Today marks the start of my second round of Extended Disability. I was taken off work yesterday indefinitely. I tried my hardest to make it work, but the load was too much for me to bear. Some people have asked me how I feel about this and to be honest with you, I’m not sure. Part of me feels like a failure for not being able to hack it. But then another part of me is saying, “Girl, you gave it your best shot.”

Truth be told, I’m not sure that I’m called to be a teacher anymore. I’m not sure that I can regain what I’ve lost. Trauma stole pieces of me that I haven’t been able to find again and I’m not sure that I ever will. To be completely honest, I’m not sure that I even want to find those pieces of me again. Part of me wants a clean break. A new start. With something completely, 100% different than teaching. But then the fear kicks in as I’m not sure what that would look like.

Am I still employable? Can I do something else with my degree? Will anyone hire someone who has come off of a disability leave?

There are so many unknowns, I’m not sure how to proceed. All I know is my job once again is to heal.

My anxiety has affected me in so many areas… I saw my hematologist today and it turns out that my platelet levels have dropped once again. They dropped once before this to the point where I was on death row. I’m not so sure how low they are now as I had emergency blood work done today, but they’ve dropped enough for me to have visible signs on my body that my blood levels are out of whack and my hematologist was concerned. It’s crazy what my anxiety does to my body and to my health – not only my mental health, but my physical health as well.

What does the future hold for me? I have no idea. And you know what? I’m kind of okay with that.

I know I need to heal. I know I need to continue on with treatment with my therapist and my rehabilitation worker. My insurance company is paying for me to see a fancy psychiatrist in Calgary at some point in the coming months to try and see what piece of the puzzle we’re missing. But after that? I’ve got no clue.

So, if you’re a praying person, please pray for me. Pray for wisdom, guidance and health. I’d really appreciate that.

Much love, dear friends.

Love,

Becca