The Big RTW

“Beautiful girl, you were made to do hard things, so believe in yourself.”

These are the words that filled my screen after my 5am Google Search “quotes on doing hard things”. I woke up early filled with anxiety. Today was going to be hard. It was my big day. After 8 months on Extended Disability, I was officially returning to work. My jittery body, tense muscles, racing mind and inability to sleep were only a few indications of the nerves I was feeling. I had so many questions and concerns running through my mind. So many “what ifs” I could probably have won an award for most “what if” questions strung together. As I sat and watched the minutes tick by… 5:01…5:02… I knew I was spiraling into the Anxiety Pit of Doom, so I got up at 5:05am, repeating this quote over and over in my head.

I’m not sure which was more difficult – waiting for time to pass before I actually had to go to work, or actually showing up AT work. Time seemed to drag by. Trying to pass the 3 hours and 45 minutes before work seemed impossible. I tried to use my nervous energy to curl my hair for the day and ended up burning my hand five times because I was so shaky from fear (or maybe it was because it was 5am, who knows). My stomach was in knots and I felt like I was going to throw up, but I still choked down my bagel because I knew I needed it. I utilized my grounding techniques – played piano, blasted music, did some yoga, practiced mindful breathing – all trying to go in as grounded as possible. Despite all these things, I still pulled out my bottle of Ativan that I haven’t touched since May and threw it in my bag as my safety blanket just in case. I was THAT anxious.

Y’all, today was HARD. I walked into a gymnasium with over 250 teachers in it and have never felt more overwhelmed or alone in my life. I felt like a tiny little mouse trying not to get trampled in Time’s Square on New Year’s Eve just before the ball drops. I didn’t know what to do. Do I try and find the staff I know from my school and get facing them out of the way or do I just pick a random table and sit with strangers? I did end up finding staff that I knew and got the awkward hellos out of the way and sat through the morning of presentations. Made it to lunch. Check. Half way there. I’m surviving.

But then it was time for Professional Learning Committee’s. Basically, this is time when teachers get together in small groups and talk about/work on areas of interest. Silly old me decided in July when I was super passionate about finding my voice and making change in the Mental Health world that I would create a group on Supporting Mental Health and Wellness in the Classroom. When I threw the idea out to the 250 teachers in my division, I a) didn’t think I’d actually be going back to work, so, why not toss it out there and b) I didn’t think people would actually care about this topic as much as I did to sign up. Well, I was wrong. My group was FULL. Literally, they capped it and said no more people could join. So here I am, first day back after 8 months, standing in front of a group of teachers sharing my story with Mental Illness and why I think it’s so important to focus on this today. And y’all, they AGREED. People actually were passionate about seeing change in our schools. There was no judgement when I shared part of my story and they want to join me in creating lessons to teach children about Mental Health. While I was terrified to be jumping into such a role on my first day back, I almost teared up hearing other people share their battles with Mental Health or how they’ve witnessed students struggling and want to know how to help. I was amazed that people actually cared. We had great discussions. They’re excited to create resources to help other teachers educate their students about Mental Health. They’re willing to be advocates within their schools for our own Teacher Wellbeing. I was blown away.

So how did today go? It was terrifying, yet wonderful. I used my voice in a different way today – in front of a live audience who could judge, scoff, stand up and leave. But I did it. Because making change matters to me. I tackled today with raging courage (and no Ativan).

I did a hard thing today, actually multiple hard things today, and I survived. I pushed through with raging courage. And I couldn’t be more proud of myself.

So, I leave you with this. “…[Y]ou were made to do hard things, so believe in yourself.” We can do hard things. Take hold of your raging courage and you can make it through. I’m right here fighting beside you. You’ve got this. We’ve got this.

Love,

Becca