The Power of Vulnerability

One thing I’ve really struggled with is being vulnerable with people. After enduring years of trauma and abuse, I don’t trust people easily. In my experience, whenever I’ve opened up to someone, they have used it against me; whether that be sabotaging me, slandering me or judging me as a person. I’ve learned opening up leads to hurt. For years I’ve been bottling up my feelings, putting on a brave face, pretending to be okay because if I said something, it would just make it worse. But what I didn’t realize is that the very thing I was doing to protect myself was the one thing I was yearning for.

Vulnerability.

When my Mental Health began to spiral downwards, I began searching for people who could share what it is like to be where I am – how to survive the pain and how to find the motivation to keep going. But not many people are able to share what it is like to question whether it’s worth staying alive anymore. I started writing this blog because I was tired of feeling like I was alone. I felt I was the only one struggling. But, I’m not. There are so many people struggling… just so many are afraid to share about their struggle. I totally understand why. Our culture has become one where “Fake it ’til you make it” is almost the law. People feel they need to hide their pain – that showing struggle is a sign of weakness. But what this “law” has done is caused a giant gap in human connection. I believe this needs to change. 

Since I started writing, I’ve received so many messages from people saying how much they can relate to what I’m writing. They’ve thanked me for giving a voice to the struggle – words that they just aren’t able to come up with yet. They were relieved to know they weren’t the only one struggling. To those people, I say thank you for being vulnerable enough to tell me you relate – it helps us both know we’re not in this alone.

However, I’ve also received messages from people saying that sharing negativity isn’t going to help anyone. Or that sharing my darkness isn’t going to help anyone get through theirs. I’ve been “encouraged” to only share my “happy” moments, because no one wants to read about the struggle.

I understand that reading about someone’s struggle is uncomfortable because it has been so foreign to us for so long, but I believe that being able to share both my moments of joy and my moments of despair is NECESSARY. People need to be reminded that pain and struggle is part of being human. If we are going to ever break the stigma around Mental Health or break this unwritten rule about vulnerability being dangerous, we need to start being real. Moreover, we need to accept people who are being real, because let me tell you, it takes a lot of freaking courage to admit to people just how badly you’re doing, knowing it could have major repercussions (socially, vocationally, spiritually, mentally… You get my point).

I was scrolling through Facebook the other day and I came across a status that a friend of mine had posted (they don’t know I’ve borrowed their words, but I felt it was an important issue to address). Their post read, “Is it really ok to not be ok? I feel in some circles it’s really not! I’m sorry if I’m too “real and raw” but life isn’t full of rainbows and butterflies and sometimes you just need to be angry, cry and feel sad! Sometimes it’s hard to find any happy in the world.”

I read this post and felt deeply for my friend. Because I get it. The world freaks out when people are “real and raw”. Suddenly the tone of the conversation turns from one of interest to one of judgement. Social Media has made this worse, because the majority of people only post their highlight reel. We see their highlights and compare it to our struggle and we feel inadequate. I used to be guilty of this too. But now I’m so over it, because the world needs to become more real. We need people to be able to connect with each other. To listen to understand, not to respond. We need connection. Vulnerability.

Especially within the church… I don’t mean to be critical or start a fight, but something my friend and I both have been hurt by is people in the church. Mental Illness continues to be a sensitive topic within the church. Let me start by saying, there are some people within the Christian community that I have shared my struggles with and have been welcomed with open arms. They’ve loved me, supported me, encouraged me despite the fact that I sometimes question whether there really is a plan in all of this. They mean the world to me.

But there are a lot of people who haven’t responded that way. When I relocated for my second contract position, I began searching for churches to attend. I stopped attending church locally because I was told by people that if I was any type of Christian, I wouldn’t be struggling. I’ve been told I don’t deserve to teach at a Christian School when I am “possessed with the devil”. That I shouldn’t be allowed there (church or school) until I get my life together. These comments hurt. So freaking bad. And it wasn’t just one church. I went in, trying to find a community to support me because I felt so alone and needing a community. They cast me out. I felt judged. Unwelcomed. The place that I thought I should be safe to express my struggles in only judged me harshly.

Somehow, we have gotten lost. Not only as Christian’s, but as society as a whole. Y’all, when someone confides in you that they’re hurting, it is a BIG deal. It not only means that they trust you and that they see you as safe, but they believe that you’ll stand beside them no matter what they’re going through. When we confide in you, we don’t want you to fix us. We just need support. Love. Someone who won’t judge us when we have questions. Someone who will hug us when we cry. Just someone to stand beside us. It IS okay to NOT be okay. It happens to all of us, whether we want to admit it or not. Some of our struggles are harder than others, but we all struggle. We need to bring back vulnerability. We need to bring back connection. We need people to stop feeling alone. Because if there is one thing I want you to take away from this post, it is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It is okay to not be okay.

Brene Brown talks a lot about vulnerability. She has multiple TED Talks, a Netflix Series and multiple books that all discuss the need for vulnerability – for human connection. I love what she said above. Vulnerability is COURAGE. I’m not weak for being real and raw, I’m courageous.

I’m so thankful I’ve found my voice and that I reached a point where I realized vulnerability and connection was more important than appearing like I’ve got it all together. I’m so thankful for those who have read along as I am authentic and have reached out to me. I went from feeling like I was invisible and totally alone to knowing people do actually see me, love me, care for me and are praying for and supporting me. If I hadn’t found courage to be vulnerable, I’d be lacking that knowledge, that support. I also wouldn’t be able to provide it to others.

If you’re struggling, it is okay. I know it is unpleasant, uncomfortable, hurts like hell and seems like there is no light in sight. That’s okay. Better things are coming, at least that’s what my therapist says. We may struggle to believe that. We may question whether it is worth it, whether we should still be here. That’s okay. Because that’s real… And I guarantee you, we’re not the only people who feel this way.  

So be REAL. As my therapist says, “Don’t fake good”. The world needs a revolution of people to break this “fake it ‘til you make it” concept. We need a revolution of vulnerability, realness and connection. Know this. If you’re struggling and not okay, I will always embrace you as is. I will stand beside you in your pain, because it is okay to be where you are. Know that. Believe that. Let me close by quoting (yet again, sorry not sorry) my therapist, “Don’t edit your emotions. The world and yourself need you to be able to be real in this. Don’t fake good. Be real and authentic.” Keep fighting, dear ones. One minute at a time.

Love,

Becca

Cover image taken from Google. No Copyright Infringement Intended.