Turning Anxiety Into Something Positive

Have you ever been told you’re ready for something, but deep down, you’re not so sure you are? Perhaps it was the first time you rode your bike without training wheels, or jumped into the pool without your parent catching you. Perhaps it was when you drove by yourself for the first time or when you headed off on your own after high school. Whatever your circumstance, others had faith in your potential but your fear got in the way. That is how I feel right now. Others can see my potential but I’m consumed by fear.

The time has come where discussions about whether I am cleared to go back to work full time or not have begun. People keep telling me I’m ready, but I’m plagued by a fear. What if I’m not ready?

Deep down inside me, I know I am ready. I’ve healed SO much. I’m not totally “cured”, but I am so much better than I was in December. However, there is this nagging fear in the back of my mind full of unhelpful “what ifs” that is bugging me. Though, after 36 therapy sessions, I’m finally beginning to recognize when my mind goes there and what I can do about it.

I’m trying to turn the “what if” into something helpful. In my last therapy session, my psychologist and I talked about these pesky what ifs and ways I can combat them rather than being sucked into the anxiety pit of doom. My therapist has told me many times that anxiety is a normal and healthy emotion within reason. It can help prepare us for upcoming events or warn us when something is off. In my case, my body and my brain are trying to prepare me for my return to work. Hence the “what ifs”. My brain is trying to troubleshoot any potential hiccups and come up with a plan on what to do about it if it were to happen. I’m starting, just starting, to recognize the voice of anxiety and thank it. For example,

“What if the other teacher is also there? Oh, that could be awkward. Thanks brain, I’ll make sure that the school division knows for sure that I’m coming back so we don’t have to deal with that. Thanks for the reminder.”

“What if parents ask about why I was gone so long? Hmm, that’s a tough one. Thanks brain for bringing that up so I can prepare an answer.”

“What if the staff treat me funny after I return? Girl, you’ve had people reach out and say they’d like to get together and you’ve already seen one staff member and it was fine. It may be awkward at first, but once you get into the groove of things, everyone will relax. Thanks brain for reassuring me.”

I’m learning that my anxiety doesn’t have to be bad. I’m learning that it can be helpful. I’m finally learning how to manage my anxiety.

I will probably always be an anxious person. It seems to be part of my DNA and I’ve accepted the fact that this was who I was created to be. I don’t want it to go away forever, I just want it to come in normal spurts. I want to be able to manage the symptoms of it. I want to be in tune with what my mind and body are trying to tell me and I’m trying really hard to learn this.

Does this newfound knowledge take away my anxiety? Does it silence that nagging fear? No. It doesn’t. But it eases it some. To me, that’s a win. Anxiety is a wild ride and you never know when it’s going to flare up again. I feel like a little kid taking my first few pedals on a bike without training wheels, with my dad still holding onto the back. I can hear him say, “Okay, I’m going to let go now, you can do this!” In my head I’m thinking, “No! You can’t let go! I’m going to fall!” But then I realize I’m a few wobbly pedals into doing it on my own, with a cheerleader behind me. I have so many people who believe in me and are cheering me on. I have so many people praying for a safe and healthy return to work. It means so much that people care. But I can’t only survive on people believing in me. I need to believe in me. More importantly, I need to know how to take care of me.

My last therapy session also included making a Self-Care Plan for when I go back to work. It includes things like Gratitude Journaling, Playing Piano & Listening to Music, Swimming and/or Walking & Being in Nature. It also includes me tracking my “battery percentage” daily as well as an end of week summation of overall percentage heading into the new week. It means me saying no to some things I enjoy because I will be too overwhelmed doing them right now. It means finding other ways to fill my battery that aren’t a part of work. It means being intentional about taking care of myself. The way I silence those fears and what ifs is by being prepared. Others are cheering for me, but that sadly isn’t enough. I have to do the hardwork of planning and preparing and practicing before I’m ready to go out on my own. And I have been. The training wheels are ready to come off. I’m ready to jump into the pool solo. I’m prepared. I’ve practiced.

Will there be bumps? Absolutely. 100%. But bumps are manageable once you’ve practiced. So when my what ifs pop up, I’m trying to consider them practice. They’re my preparation for the bumps ahead.

If you’re fighting the battle with anxiety too, know that it’s okay for anxiety to win every once and a while. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just try not to get stuck there. Anxiety CAN be helpful (and I tell you that as someone who previously called BS whenever someone told me that before). It really can get better – not perfect – but better. So hang in there. Keep fighting, dear ones. I’ve journeyed through hell and am coming out on the other side and know you will too. We don’t have to live in fear forever.

I leave you with words I’ve been clinging to from Kristine DiMarco:

“Fear not, if I could say it any louder, I would. Fear not, if I could shout it any louder, I would.”

Ride on bravely, with raging courage. I’m cheering you on.

Love,

Becca

Cover image taken from Google. No Copyright Infringement Intended.