Welcome 2020
Happy New Year! Can you believe that we are at the start of not only a new year, but a new decade?! As tough as 2019 was, I can honestly say that I am grateful to still be here – to be fighting this battle and speaking out to break the stigma surrounding Mental Health. Despite the challenges I know I’ll continue to face in 2020, I am excited for what this new year holds for me.
However, that doesn’t mean that the start of this year wasn’t difficult for me. At the end of each year, I pick a word for the upcoming year. For 2019, I picked the word flourish, which is defined as to grow or develop in a healthy or vigorous way, especially as the result of a particularly favorable environment. Coming out of 2018, I was in the beginning stages of my Mental Health crisis. I wanted nothing more than to flourish in 2019. I wanted to grow and develop in a healthy way in a good environment. But as I sat and reflected over my 2019, I was saddened. I felt like I didn’t flourish. I felt like I did the opposite. But, then I came across a post I made on New Years Eve of 2016, and it got me thinking.
The post was accompanied by this photo, and said the following:
This year was incredibly difficult for me, too, but I learned so much. This year I learned not only that I have a mental illness that has, is and always will be a constant battle, but I also learned what it meant to be happy again and to feel joy. This year, I pushed a lot of people away and lost some friends because of my illness, but came to treasure the people God placed in my life that will never walk out. This year, I faced many trials in my job, but pushed through my doubt and urge to quit and have since rediscovered my love and joy for teaching. This year, I have worked through many doubts and negative thoughts as to who I am as a person, and have learned so many new things about myself. And most of all, I have learned that no matter what storms come my way, God is walking each step with me, and the storm will pass. Today, as I sat on one of the most beautiful beaches I’ve seen and watched the storm clouds roll in, I realized that this photo I snapped quickly on my phone (before the downpour) sums up my 2016. Yes, there were storm clouds, and yes, many days it rained, but my life is still beautiful and God is still there, bringing beauty from the chaos. Happy New Year, friends. May you walk into this year with treasured memories of all the good in the midst of the chaos. Cheers to the adventures 2017 brings.
As I read the words I penned on a beach 4 years ago, I was reminded to not just sweep the tough year under the rug. Yes, it was a difficult year. Unlike 2016 me, I haven’t rediscovered my joy for teaching, but rather live in fear of it. I’ve suffered through many, many difficult Mental Health Crisis’, medication changes and suicidal ideation. I never once felt like I was “flourishing”. But as I sat pondering what my word for this year should be (or if I should even pick a stupid word again seeing how the last one turned out), I came to a realization.
I DID flourish. Just not in the ways I was expecting. I grew in healthy ways through therapy. I found a safe, healthy and favorable environment in my therapist’s office. Was that the kind of growing I thought I would be doing? No. I thought I would be kicking butt as a teacher still, solid as ever. But that wasn’t the case. I got knocked down and had a hard time recovering from it. And truth be told, over a year later, I’m still recovering. But that doesn’t mean that last year was a waste. In fact, it will probably end up being one of the most important years of my life. It may not feel like it now, but I have a strong sense that looking back, I will see it that way.
So, did I pick a word for this year? Yes, I did. And it is a word that I am praying will come to fruition in my life in the necessary ways. My word this year is breakthrough. Ideally, I want this to be the year that I break through the chains Mental Illness is holding me captive with. Whether that will happen or not, I don’t know. But what I do know is that at the end of 2020, I will be able to look back and see many areas of my life that I experienced a breakthrough of some sort. Just as I was able to look back and see the many ways I flourished in 2019.
I don’t know what this year holds for me. I mean, in some ways, I do. I know that I’m getting married to my best friend in less than three months and that we get to start our life together. I know that every time someone RSVP’s to our wedding I do a little happy dance, because previously I believed I wasn’t worthy of love. But now not only am I loved by my fiancé, I’m loved by so many family and friends and I’m truly blessed. However, there’s still a lot that I don’t know. I’m seeing a new therapist and I’m having a really hard time connecting with him. I’ve gone to a few sessions and I’m finding it hard to trust him, let alone let him help me. I miss my old therapist and have often wondered if making the move to Leduc was the right decision (if I had stayed, I wouldn’t be needing a new therapist, but I also wouldn’t feel the safety I feel here and have the ability to leave my house. So, it’s hard to say). I’m meeting with a new rehabilitation worker whose goal is to get me out in the community volunteering with the goal of finding me a new job. The thought of going back to work (of any kind) scares me because it’s unpredictable. I feel safe in the predictability my life holds now. 2020, as excited as I am for it, I’m also completely terrified of what’s to come.
So, as I walk into this New Year, I am challenging myself to cling to the words I penned in 2016: May you walk into this year with treasured memories of all the good in the midst of the chaos. It’s easy to be overwhelmed by all the negative in our lives, but I challenge you to hold onto the good, no matter how small it seems.
I wish you a year of health, happiness, strength and peace.
May you always remember that you’re worth the fight. Keep going, dear friends.
Love,
Becca
Let November be November
2 Comments
Laurie
Yes girl!!! You count all the hard work you have done as a great success!!! Although sometimes we don’t make the big strides that we hope, but sometimes the first steps are the hardest. Another great gift this year gave you was the knowledge that you CAN do this. You can keep taking steps for your health- you have the ability to walk this walk. All of us who regularly read this believe in you (and I know many more people do too!). Thanks again for your contribution to breaking mental health stigma and making those of us who struggle feel less alone 💜
Vera watson
Hello; I understand the stigma of Mental Illness. In the mid 1950’s my brother had a mental breakdown, the only option for him was the Mental Hospital at the coast, an eight hour drive away, he passed away 25 years later. I still shed a few tears when I think of him and what our family experienced. It was our faith in God through prayer that got our family though those tough years. Happy you are receiving special care.