When You Don’t Know How You Are

I’ve been trying for a week to articulate the emotions and thoughts that I’ve been experiencing lately, but each time I write a few paragraphs and get stuck. Nothing seems to feel right. And while I really am only writing this blog to help myself process emotions, I know its been helpful for others to read my words, so I’m conflicted. Do I use my words to explain my confusion and fright or do I hold them in, knowing most people really won’t care? Do I write a post that I’m not sure will even flow because that’s how I feel right now, or do I wait for a better, more polished post to write? 

I don’t have the answer to that question. I don’t know if my words will resonate with anyone or if this will just be a venting session for me. Because I’ve been feeling a little lost lately and it’s hard to write a post that makes sense when you have no real map. 

But, since I started this blog for me and not for others, I’m going to try and navigate the mind of someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder as someone who doesn’t fully understand it herself. 

I’ve had two appointments so far this week where people have asked me, “How are you, Rebecca?” And my response has been, “I don’t know.” Because it’s true. I really don’t know how I am or how to wrap it up nicely into an answer for someone. 

I’m overwhelmed. I’m anxious. I’m exhausted. I’m lonely. I’m hurting. I’m afraid. I wish I could be someone else. I wish I wasn’t such a People Pleaser. I wish I was able to stand up for myself too, not just for others. I wish I didn’t let people treat me like a doormat. Because now I’m tired, worn and full of holes I’m not sure can be stitched back together. 

This week has already been a whirlwind. My fiancé and I picked out wedding bands on the weekend, found him a suit and did some other fun wedding planning stuff. Sunday, I went back to the church I’ve been avoiding for 9 months because of panic and ended up in a situation with an authoritative person demanding I do something I wasn’t comfortable with. But instead of using my newly learned therapy skills about setting boundaries, I slipped right back into “Door Mat Rebecca” and let her take advantage of me. I left feeling like a complete failure for slipping back into my People Pleasing ways. 

I truly think that was a big trigger for me. Because ever since that moment, I’ve been plagued with doubt and fear about whether I’m ready to actually go back to work. 

Part of my problem was dealing with trauma and Complex PTSD. But another part of it was the fact that I’m a massive People Pleaser. I have trouble setting boundaries with authority figures. I became the girl who would always say yes. I tried to do everything everyone asked for so long I almost took my own life in December. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. But saying “yes” is so engrained in who I am, I’m afraid when I go back to work, I’ll slip back into “Doormat Rebecca” – the one who won’t stand up for herself or for her health and wellbeing. I mean, in a 60 second interaction in church I slipped up. How am I going to be able to handle an entire year? 

My therapist has this line, “You teach people how to treat you”. But what happens when you don’t know how you SHOULD be treated? How do I teach people then when I myself don’t even know what I deserve? Do I deserve to have a say in what I invest my time in? Do I deserve the right to ask for time to think about it? Do I have the right to say no? What if they get upset with me? 

My mind is constantly reeling with all these questions. One thing I can tell you is I don’t want to be “Doormat Rebecca”. I want to keep living and if I go back to being the “yes girl”, I’m afraid of what might happen. Moreover, I’m afraid my coworkers won’t understand this “new Rebecca” because they are so used to the old one. I’m worried I’ll cave. I’m worried they’ll win and I won’t make it out alive. 

So, how am I doing? I don’t know. My mind is all over the place. I do know though that I have made progress. Maybe not in the people pleasing department, but in the C-PTSD department. On Tuesday I was volunteering at a place in Lethbridge when a student (very similar to the one who abused me) had an aggressive behavior moment, similar to what happened in my classroom daily. I am happy to report that I didn’t have a panic attack! I wasn’t crippled by fear and was able to utilize my therapy coping mechanisms to breathe through it. Y’all, it was a huge moment for me. 2 months ago, I would have been totally debilitated by a massive panic attack; while, today I made it through with minimal discomfort. 

There have been some winning moments. I’m trying desperately to cling to those as I fight these feelings of failure because I need something to keep me going. 

Friends, the journey to healing isn’t easy. It’s hard and it hurts like hell and you make progress and have set backs. But that’s normal. It’s part of the process. Hang in there, dear ones. I need you here still.   

I leave you with this quote I’ve been clinging to lately,

Healing doesn’t have to look magical or pretty. Real healing is hard, exhausting and draining. Let yourself go through it.

Love, 

Becca

Cover image taken from Google. No Copyright Infringement Intended. Quotation found on Facebook – Author Unknown.