Your Story Won’t End in Defeat

I know I’ve been quiet around here lately. People have been asking where I went, whether I’ve lost inspiration or if I’m doing too poorly to write an update. To be honest, I’m not quite sure what it is. Maybe I have lost inspiration. Maybe I’ve lost hope again. Maybe I’m struggling with change.

The first week after I moved to Leduc, things were great. I went walking with my gramma in the mornings and went to the gym with my fiancé in the afternoons. I was finally getting active and following my therapist’s recommendations. I was around people, I was socializing. I joined a curling league with my fiancé and started curling on a team with two men I had never met before – something that I would never have done before. I was able to leave my house without feeling panic or fear. I was able to walk into stores, go to church, live a life that I hadn’t been able to for the last 5 years. It felt GOOD. I felt FREE. Part of me was hoping that those feelings would last forever. But the sad reality is, those feelings haven’t lasted forever and perhaps part of me is grieving that.

I think the real thing that I’m grieving is that this move hasn’t cured my depression or anxiety. The past few weeks post-move have been difficult. I’ve felt extremely depressed. The only thing that gets me out of bed is the fact that I go walking with my gramma in the morning. The people-pleaser in me can’t let her down, so I get up and go. Which is good, because I need to be up and moving, but my point is that it is difficult. I’m still walking, I’m still curling, I’m still going to the gym. In that sense, nothing has changed. But something dark inside of me has returned and I am so disappointed that it followed me here.

I know it is ridiculous to think that a move would cure my anxiety and depression. I wasn’t expecting it to, not in reality. But I think there was a small part of my brain and my heart that was wishing that this fresh start would really be that – a fresh start. I’ve been told multiple times by multiple Mental Health professionals that anxiety and depression will be something that I’ll always struggle with. I guess when I got here and I felt so good, I began to think that maybe, just maybe, they were wrong. I was hoping that they were wrong. But they weren’t.

Trauma is a funny thing. Sometimes you’re doing great and other times, you’re completely not great. I’ve started to have nightmares again. I’m not sleeping and I’m exhausted ALL the time. I sleep so much throughout the day and still feel like I have no energy. I know that I need to start Trauma Therapy again, but I’m afraid of doing the process over the phone with my therapist, rather than in person like I had when I walked through my childhood traumas. But now I have a recent trauma to work through and I need to figure out how to navigate this new place that I’m in. The one good thing about this is that me experiencing these nightmares is a sign that my brain is trying to heal itself. I’m finally in a place where I feel safe enough to process this trauma. So while I may feel grief over the fact that I’m still not where I want to be, I can celebrate the fact that I, for the first time in 5 years, am in a place where I feel safe, deep down in my core. And that, my friends, is a very good thing.

This morning when I was driving to meet my gramma at the walking track, a song came onto the radio that stirred something in my heart. The lyrics that poured over me stated:

“I wish I knew when this mountain in my way is gonna move

Hope it’s okay to tell the truth

Sometimes the doubt starts to win

I’d be lying if I told you I was anything but weak

Right now my struggle is all I see

But I’m not giving in

My story will not end in defeat…”

I heard these words and was like YES. Finally, someone describes how I’m feeling. I feel like there’s a huge mountain in front of me and I’m too weak to move it. All I can see is pain and struggle but this is NOT the end of my story. I may always struggle with anxiety and depression. My life may never be easy. I may always be fighting demons within my mind. But my story will not end in defeat. And neither will yours.

So whatever you’re going through, whatever your struggling with, whatever has broken your heart, know that your story does not end here. Your story doesn’t end in defeat. There is still hope. Hang on to that and know that I am always here, fighting beside you and willing to walk this journey beside you.

Keep fighting, dear ones. It’s worth the fight. Your story won’t end in defeat.

Love,

Becca

Cover image taken from Google. No Copyright Infringement Intended. Song referenced is Unstoppable God by Sanctus Real. No Copyright Infringement Intended.